The Almost Seduction of Remus Lupin
by grammarslash
Summary: The various attempts of Sirius Black in regards to seducing Remus Lupin. This means slash. RemusSirius, or so I would think. Now with added het subtext! Inprogress.
1. Why Some Questions Are Best Asked At Nig

**Title: **The Almost Seduction of Remus Lupin  
**Chapter Title:** Why Some Questions Are Best Asked At Night  
**Rating:** PG for this bit. Or PG-13 for homosexuality. Or bisexuality. Or Sirius' existence. Whichever floats your boat.  
**Pairing: **Remus/Sirius for the time being  
**Summary: **The various attempts of Sirius Black in regards to seducing Remus Lupin.  
**Author's Note: **The segments are short because my brain hates me. And as soon as I sat down the plot bunnies deserted me. Those wretched fiends.

* * *

Seeing another boy as handsome (in a non-platonic sense) was more than enough for the former heir to the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black to cower in fear. He wondered if it was too early to seek out Madame Pomfrey for psychiatric aid. Or possibly his brain was not the problem; it could be his eyesight. That would also explain the subject of his newly questioned sanity.

He had hair that could only be called lack lustre, when compared with Sirius' own flowing locks; his nose was too large for his face; he was thin, pale, and scarred, all side-effects of his moonlit romps once a month. These traits combined declared that, no, Remus Lupin was not handsome.

Yet Sirius could not help but see him as such.

It wasn't long after this realization that Sirius decided to seek out James for his advice. He stared vaguely at the bed curtains before clearing his throat and calling out, "James?"

"Mmgh," James replied, clearly asleep.

Sirius stood and took a step towards James, whose arms tightened instinctively around his pillow. "Mine," he muttered, words slurred, "Steal my pudding and I'll hex off your arms."

"James," Sirius hissed, sitting on the edge of the bed and shaking his friend awake. James replied groggily, "Eat your gravy."

Sirius waited for consciousness to tighten its feeble grasp before asking, "Do you think Remus is attractive?" Whatever James had been expecting, it wasn't that. James' near-sighted, glazed expression, forced him to hastily add, "Because, I mean, it's just…" He sighed. Suddenly, Sirius sat bolt upright at the unexpected flash of reason. "Maybe I'm under the Imperius Curse!"

James blinked.

Sirius sighed. "Right, that's fairly stupid. So what should I do?" Sirius had a dejected look on his face and had James actually understood the conversation he might have consoled him. "Should I wait it out?" Sirius continued, "Should I act on it?"

"Ungh," James said supportively.

"Of course!" Sirius gasped. "I'm Sirius Black for Merlin's sake. A man of action! A man of long-winded speeches! A man of minimal thought! Thanks, mate, you were a real help." Sirius hopped off of James' bed and returned to his own, a grin plastered on his face.

"Nngh," said James.

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**Author's Note the Second:** So yes? No? Feedback makes my world go 'round. 


	2. The Morning After Sort Of

**Chapter Title:** The Morning After (Sort of)  
**Rating:** Same as last  
**Disclaimer: **I forgot last time, and I shall disclaim but once. Not. Mine.  
**Author's Note:** I did not actually expect to get reviews, so that was a welcome surprise. Thank you all, it was superb to see so many reviews in one place. And on one of my stories.

* * *

Remus awoke blearily the next morning to the sounds of a creaking bed. The springs were quite loud, Remus noted, which was, in itself, odd. He carefully opened one eye and saw Sirius bouncing madly on his bed.

'Who's bed?' Remus' brain called out.

Feeling the mattress quake slightly, Remus realized that for some reason or other, Sirius Black was hopping about in a fashion similar to a deranged rabbit. This, though, was not entirely out of the realm of the ordinary in the Gryffindor dorm. That oddity was that Sirius' usual excited expression was tinted with… something. Remus wasn't sure he would be able to decipher emotions and their effects on one's face so soon after waking up and told his brain so. He attempted to drift off again, but the other person on his bed made it an incredibly difficult feat.

After several minutes of playing dead, made all the more impossible with Sirius' twitchy bouncing, Remus gave in and opened his eyes.

"Alright," he croaked, "Alright!" Sirius stopped mid-bounce.

Maybe the other emotion was anxiousness, Remus pondered. But why would he-

His train of thought was derailed when Remus felt Sirius' lips on his own. He blinked once, wondering vaguely if it were a dream. Or possibly a nightmare. After all, kissing Sirius was not quite as common an occurrence as some unhinged girls may've believed…

Kissing. Sirius. Remus pulled back, a shocked expression on his face. There was silence. Then Remus emitted a relatively girly shriek, "What the _bloody hell_?"

Sirius had not expected this reaction from Remus. Then again, he had decided against imagining for fear he might lose his nerve. Hah. Lose his nerve? It was possible.

Remus had backed up until he was flush against his head board. His shriek seemed to have taken up all of his speaking ability for the time being. He appeared to be trying to say something. To what, exactly, was anyone's guess. Sirius believed that it was something to do with him, but he couldn't be sure. Possibly something to do with the colour purple and graphite.

"Sirius," Remus managed to squeak out. Well that blew _that_ idea out of the water.

Sirius decided that it would be best to refrain from speaking. They would be on more even ground that way. Unfortunately, this was Sirius. So he began, but Remus cut him off.

"You, I, that was," he babbled.

"A kiss," Sirius offered, his confidence making up for Remus' lack thereof.

Remus stared at him, stunned. "Why?" he said, voice several octaves higher. Sirius began to speak again, but Remus cut him off. "No," he said shrilly, then firmly, "We'll never speak of this again. Uh uh, no." Remus lay down on his bed and burrowed his head under his pillow. "No," he said again.

Sirius was shocked. He had been rebuffed. By Remus. "It-" he started, but Remus growled threateningly from beneath the pillow. Sirius stepped back quickly before muttering to himself, "It's not my fault, blame hormones."

* * *

**Author's Note the Second:** Sooo, that was the end. Chapters are still short, as you can see. There shall be more, unless my internet dies. 


	3. Interlude the First

**Chapter Title:** Interlude  
**Author's Note:** Terribly sorry, it's been two days and real life has been catching up with me. And my beta. Chapters are still short because no one will look them over. :) The next part should be up later tonight if my computer decides to NOT DIE ON ME. **Author's Note the Second: **Interludes are bits that I write randomnly and somehow develop plot. And I'm sorry that the title of the whole story makes minimal sense at the moment, but I'll assume you're all fairly intelligent people (WHO REVIEW AND I AM JOYFUL FOR IT) and can understand where the plot is going.

* * *

Sirius made his was through the Great Hall, pouting slightly. Those who caught the sour expression recoiled in fear. Over the years, the students and teachers alike had learned that this look was a warning sign for trouble.

"That's the last time I take _your_ advice," Sirius muttered sharply and sat on the bench.

James peered at him over his grapefruit. "Then maybe you'll not wake me up for it? You should know better by now."

Peter shifted uncomfortably at the other side of the table; another midnight conversation he had missed. He sighed and drank his juice with a grimace. Had that been his juice? He shook his head a few times, twitching slightly.

James glanced at him for a moment before concluding that it was simply another aspect of Peter that he had overlooked.

Sirius continued to pout around his toast, a gesture that could only be called disappointing considering.

Peter's eyes took on a glazed, vacant look and he set his glass down quietly.

Sirius muttered to James with his mouth full, "So I suppose you don't care about what happened?"

"Not in the slightest," James responded cheerfully. "Care for some fruit?"

Sirius stared at him blankly for a moment before looking around him. The other students had begun to gather their things, preparing for their morning classes. James deserted his grapefruit and peered at the entrance way curiously. "I wonder where Moony is," he thought aloud. Sirius huffed; he had been hoping that Remus would show up so they could get the awkwardness out of the way. At least, get the awkwardness out of the way before Transfiguration; Sirius did not fancy the idea of spending the day as feta cheese.

"I suppose he'll meet us there, then," James said after a moment. "We'd best be getting along then, lads. C'mon Pete," he called. Peter rose and followed stiffly. Sirius looked on for a moment, disoriented, before following.


	4. Afflictions of the Heart and Stomach Aci

**Chapter Title:** Afflictions of the Heart and Stomach Acids  
**Disclaimer:** I'll disclaim on every other chapter then. I DISCLAIM. GRR.  
**Author's Note:** Sooo, I lied yesterday. Because my computer is hateful. A shout out to Dignified Madman for lending me her computer. This chapter is dedictated to those without the ability to raise their eyebrows.  
**This story is brought to you by:** PEOPLE WHO REVIEW. As you all should (and most of you do). I know when you don't review. It makes baby kitty Jesus cry. Don't make the baby kitty religious figure sad.

* * *

Remus sat beside the door of the Transfiguration classroom. His eyes darted around fearfully; each time a student passed by, he flinched visibly.

"Is there a problem, Mr. Lupin?" Professor McGonagall asked with a raised eyebrow. Merlin's pants, that was disturbing. Remus wondered vaguely how much eyebrow strength would be required. "Oh, I'm – um, fine," he said haltingly. McGonagall did not question his strange behaviour and went to her own desk.

Remus slumped down. This was _not on_. Sirius should not have been able to make him so nervous with one simple action.

"Oy, Moony!" a familiar voice called. Remus groaned and barely restrained himself from hitting his head against the desk. James sat on the edge of Remus' desk with his Concerned Expression. "Where were you at breakfast?" He asked.

Remus paused, searching for a legit excuse. "I needed to get to class on time; prefects can't be getting detentions, after all." He laughed nervously. James raised an eyebrow (Remus stared in awe for a moment) before he shrugged. "All right, then," he said, and took the seat behind Remus.

Sirius hovered nearby. He began to develop a pain in his chest akin to heart burn as he stared at Remus. Sirius wondered if he had eaten too much bacon and butter at breakfast.

"Pads, just sit down already, your lack of motion makes me nervous," James called. "And you, too, Pettigrew. Honestly, is there something wrong with the chairs?" James quickly hopped out of his chair and glared at it before responding, "Our titles are secure for another day, lads! No rivals to our prankster names, no sticking charm on our chairs so _sit_." There was a hint of iron in his voice.

Peter ambled over to the chair next to Remus and fell into it without expression. James wondered what had gotten into him before fixing Sirius with a pointed glare. Sirius plopped into the seat next to James with his usual grace.

He aimed for a 'bored' air, but overshot it and reached 'brain-dead'. Professor McGonagall commented on it and asked in a vaguely concerned voice if he had been hexed. James hid his snort with a cough and Sirius spent the rest of the lesson staring at the back Remus' head, fixedly.

* * *

**Author's Note the Second**: I haven't the faintest idea when I'm updating next, because if I did something would intervene (i.e. Karma).


	5. Exceedingly Long Titles and Where to Fin

**Chapter Title: **Exceedingly Long Titles and Where to Find Them  
**Author's Note:** Reviews make my heart feel good. As does the fact that my author's notes are going to become longer than the fic itself. I'll try to make the actual story part longer, but I can't make any promises.

* * *

For the rest of the day, Sirius could do nothing but mope. His heart had crashed into a brick wall and following it was getting him nowhere. Would it be more productive to follow his brain? His morals? His stomach? One of those was bound to get him further than the wall.

"Oy, Sirius," James hissed. They were sitting in a classroom, but Sirius couldn't really be bothered to know which. Sirius turned to look at his friend pitifully.

"Merlin, something's wrong with all of you!" James yelped. Whoever the professor was shushed him. James apologized meekly before falling back into his chair. He shredded the edges of his notes until the professor continued the lesson. He turned quickly and continued. "Pete's like a bloody Inferius, Remus is paranoid mess, and you act as though you've been cursed!" James' eyes widened fearfully. "Oh sodding hell, I'm next." Considering the events leading up to this revelation, it was not entirely unwarranted. "Alright Sirius, we're making a list."

'A list?' Sirius' brain whined before it remembered to be depressed. 'Lists are for girls.'

James grabbed a conveniently placed piece of parchment off of Sirius desk and titled it _Whom Sirius Has Hacked off and Is Willing to Take a Grudge out on the Rest of Us_.

"S'rather wordy," Sirius mumbled.

James glared at him and muttered under his breath, "…one more _bloody_ time and my name'll be on this list, right next to Snivellus…" He cleared his throat. "Right then," he announced. He met the glare of the professor and lost ten points. He shrunk back into his seat. Sirius looked on apathetically until James fired a Cheering Charm at him.

Sirius smiled and his face looked as though it might tear. 'Sunshine, rainbows and gumdrops,' his mind sang.

James turned to the list. "Alright you great ponce, top of the list is Snivellus," he said while writing.

Sirius sighed, happily, of course, and giggled. "Oh you dense sod, I don't need a _spell_ to be sad! I have a right to be depressed once in awhile, right?"

James looked at him as though Sirius had grown a few extra limbs. Spells were one thing but _feelings_? "Erm," he said helpfully.

"I'm not completely convinced that you would understand, mate," Sirius grinned and continued, "I mean, maybe if Evans had been your friend to begin with you might." He started tracing patterns into the grains of the desk and said in a disconcertingly cheerful tone, "I feel as though my heart's been ripped out. And I think that's going to be the norm from now on."

James grimaced for his friend, "I'm… sorry?"


	6. Forcible Wooing and the Possible Consequ

**Chapter Title:** Forcible Wooing and the Possible Consequences There-Of  
**Disclaimer:** It is an even-numbered chapter, therefore I disclaim.  
**Author's Notes:** My internet's been wonky. I'll try to get a chapter up tomorrow while I'm still in my internet service provider's good graces.

* * *

For the rest of the day, Sirius brooded. Attractively, he suspected, if the hoards of students swooning were any indication. But it was the principle of the matter that held any meaning. Remus was, to be plain, acting distinctly _male_. Sirius longed to grab him by the shoulders and _shake_ some _sense_ into him.

'You can't imagine things away!' Sirius envisioned himself yelling, 'Stop acting like a child!' The fact that the Sirius in his brain wore a floral apron was hardly worth considering.

If an unaffected bystander were to come across the situation, he would likely decide that it was a case similar to a young child not getting what he wanted, when he wanted. This is, of course, assuming that the bystander wore a finely trimmed beard and sweater vest; spoke with a fairly incomprehensible Western European accent; and was often accompanied by a large shaved cat.

Sirius soon found himself in the common room, in his favourite chair by the fire, but this was not enough to lift his mood. He sighed (a nearby a group of third years were left breathless) and pouted. Fine, he decided, if Moony wanted to forget, then it would be forgotten. That didn't mean that he would give up. Sirius, being the Black _and _the Gryffindor that he was, realized that another plan of action would need to be taken. For what Sirius wanted, he got. A voice that sounded distinctly Remus-like interjected that he was acting like a spoiled brat, but it was quickly drowned out by a mass of James-like voices:

'Stalk him!' One cried out.

'Buy him things! Books! _Chocolate_!' Another screeched.

'Stick your tongue down his throat!' A third called, 'Again!'

And, finally, another voice immerged and Sirius could not help but consider it the voice of reason:

'Seduce him,' it said simply, softly.

Sirius gaped. Now how the _hell_ was he supposed to do that? Then again, did it really matter? Seduction was a family affair after all, not that Sirius would ever want to be grouped with his family. Not seduction then; forcible wooing. By the end of this seemingly endless stream of revelations, there was only one statement that rang unerringly through Sirius' skull: adolescence was vile.

* * *

**Author's Notes the Second:** And so the story title begins to make sense. I decided to wait the 300-odd words to say that. I am trying to make them longer, I swear, so please bear with me and REVIEW. It's nice when reviews are longer than the chapters. :) (Jokes. I think.) 


	7. Interlude the Second

**Title: **Interlude the Second (Allusions to Take to Heart)  
**Author's Notes:** Um... Interlude. I've left Peter hanging for some time. Did anyone actually notice that he was acting odd? Because I swear that that's not usual Peter. I'll update if/when I come back from camping. Oh joy.

* * *

Earlier that day, Severus Snape had finally gotten up the nerve to carry out his Fantastic Plan. It wasn't a particularly diabolical plan, per se. Perhaps a tad sinister in nature, but there was nothing demonic about it. Severus had developed a potion that was bound to get him what he wanted. To a degree. If the only way to be noticed by the one he wanted was for his love to be influenced by "other means", then so be it. Severus was sick of the cruel parody of affection he received; it was time for things to go his way. And so, Severus decided to take matters into his own hands. 

He discreetly snuck over to the Gryffindor table before the other students found their way to the Great Hall. The Marauders' section was well-known, whether it was intended or not, but it was useful to those with possibly malicious intent. But not Severus, of course; he would never do anything so reprehensible. So Severus measured how much of his mind altering potion would be adequate and hastened away.

For the rest of the day, he waited for the chance to whisper in his love's ear. When they finally crossed each other's paths, Severus was slightly disappointed with the "emotion" that was being shown. The book of potions (aptly titled "The Big Booke of Potions Moste Foul and Mind-Altering") had explained how to brew and use the potion. It was astoundingly simple to use; all one had to do was give an order to the one who had ingested the potion to see the effects. But it was relatively complex to brew. Severus had no doubts in his abilities as a potions' master, but seeing no results caused him to question those abilities.

Severus decided to take a chance and try the potion out. As he walked by his love, he took a moment to whisper softly in his ear, "Visit me at seven in the dungeons." He had hurried away before waiting to see a reaction. Looking back, Severus wondered whether he had even been heard. When the clock chimed seven times, the dungeons were empty but for Severus and the few lonely portraits lining the walls.

Severus ground his teeth; it was time for a new plan.

* * *

**Author's Notes the Second:** Okay. Possibly the worst thing ever written. But I figured you'd all want the interlude out of the way so we can get to the good stuff. Or whatever it is. 


	8. Why Chocolate Has Become a Longstanding

**Chapter Title:** Why Chocolate Has Become a Longstanding Tradition at Hogwarts  
**Disclaimer:** Even chapter! I disclaim. I own not. I pwn not. Same old, same old.  
**Author's Notes:** This is about 150 words more than usual. So I multipled by 1.5? 1 1/2? Hmm. This is why my math grades are so low. ...Right.

I realize that the last chapter made about as much sense as Thomas the Tank Engine smut, but I couldn't leave Peter hanging like that. Anymore.

Thank you to those of you who review. And even those of you who don't. You read. That's the best I can hope for. I can feel the love.

* * *

Sirius gave his wand a last flick before arranging himself artfully on Remus' bed. This was bound to work, he told himself. The James-voice had given him the idea, and any idea influenced by James was sure to succeed. After all, he'd never been wrong before, to Sirius' knowledge. The Remus-voice began to interject, pointing out the time that-

"Quiet," Sirius hissed as the door creaked open.

Remus yelped as he saw Sirius sprawled on his bed. 'Why _my_ bed?' his brain cried. He could not help but concur. Sirius began to lick one dark finger and Remus realized simultaneously that 1) Sirius was covered in chocolate, 2) he looked quite delicious ('In more ways than one,' his brain supplied suggestively) and 3) if Remus' sheets were stained there would be hell to pay come the time Remus remembered to breathe. As it was, he was currently turning a lovely shade of plum.

Sirius grinned, his teeth gleaming a bright white against his cocoa-covered skin. "Do you-"

"Mind?" Remus tacked on. "Yes, actually. Now please…" Remus cringed, unable to continue.

"But," Sirius protested feebly, "But I'm minty!" His hand moved toward a rather large leaf covering his-

"Oh Merlin," Remus winced, shielding his eyes. "Would you mind, please…?"

Sirius pouted and mumbled to himself as he trudged down the stairs, still nude but for the cocoa product smeared evenly on his skin and an overly large spearmint leaf covering his more private bits. When he heard the dorm room door shut behind him, Remus was almost tempted to call Sirius back and explain that he had only wanted him to put some clothing on. The problem with this scenario was that Remus was far too traumatized by the concept of Sirius covered in one of his favourite food-type substances to have any reasonable thoughts occur to him.

There was silence when Sirius arrived in the common room except for the few nervous titters from a group of first year girls. A few of the older students eyed him appraisingly as he made his way over to James. Lily coughed and turned slightly pink at his proximity, appreciative despite herself.

"You," Sirius hissed at James, pointing and squinting rather fiercely.

"Me?" James asked, blinking rapidly. He debated the consequences of pointing out how rude it was to go around starkers and point at unsuspecting persons, but he quickly decided against it.

"Yes, you," Sirius growled, "Your pathetic scheme got me _nothing_." The animal imagery was quite interesting, James thought. Snakes to wolves, what would be-?

"Wait, what scheme?" He asked, backtracking.

"Oh, I think you know," Sirius said snootily. Poodles then, James decided as Sirius turned on his heel and left his friend to ponder what sort of scheme he had thought up. Under normal circumstances James would have to agree that covering someone in a delectable dessert was quite his style, but he couldn't fathom why Sirius would be the one wearing such a thing. And with a leaf? James shook his head slightly. How tacky.


	9. Fireworks of Doom and Exposition aka

**Chapter Title:** Fireworks of Doom and Exposition a.k.a. Peter Has No Back Bone  
**Author's Notes:** I am done _three_ (count them, THREE) of my essays. This means I have one week left to fake my way through 20 pages of chapter questions. Oh joy. So the next... they're not even chapters. They're chapels. (Chapter plus drabble equals Chapel, which sounds remarkably sacreligous.) The next won't be up until I finish. Sorry.

* * *

If there was one thing that Sirius was not, it was patient. His general attitude on the subject was that so long as he was aware of it, he needn't change it. This sentiment, of course, was before the days of Remus Lupin and the Unrequited Infatuation ("OF DOOM!" an unidentifiable voice from the back of Sirius' brain tacked on). Of doom, Sirius agreed, because, though patience was not one of his strong suits, dramatics certainly were. 

"O _woe_ is me," he sighed, collapsing onto a nearby surface (a couch, as it were, in the common room), and clutching a pillow tightly to his chest. More than one student eyed the pillow enviously. With James off lusting after Evans Merlin-knew-where and Remus, being both the problem and possible solution to his issues, avoiding Sirius like the Black plague (despite his mood, Sirius could still appreciate a good pun when he heard it), the task of empathizing fell to Peter.

"Er," Peter said.

"Will you aid me in my hour of need?" Sirius suddenly lunged at Peter desperately, clawing at his shoulders. Peter was approximately an inch away from being hexed into oblivion by Sirius' nearby groupies. "Deny me not, dear Peter, for you are my sole form of companionship in the God-forsaken place," Sirius continued, unaware of Peter's impending doom.

Being around Sirius, Peter decided, was an experience likened to drowning under a tide of personality. This in itself was not an image that Peter wished to be involved with, mainly because Peter could not swim. To make matters worse, Peter still had traces of whatever it was that had been in his system. It had caused him to obey every command without a second thought. At least now, though, he could think before being forced to obey. Peter was unsure if this was an improvement.

"Oh yes, do tell me _everything_," Peter gushed while simultaneously cringing.

Before Peter could mourn the loss of whatever he had left of his free will, James burst into the room. As he was known to be, Peter was relieved and tempted to sing praises. Simply a side effect, he told himself.

"How could you do that?" James asked Sirius incredulously, "More to the point, how _did_ you do that?"

"Do what?" Sirius responded predictably. James shot him a glance before dragging him across the room to the window.

Sirius looked outside and was... not shocked. The sky had been magicked black, but it was hardly anything to get excited about. Unless, of course, it happened to have explosions and _shiny things_. Sirius nearly wet himself with glee.

That is- until he realized what the lovely shiny things were spelling out. Sirius gaped as the sparkly explosions above betrayed him and spelled out their love for Remus from... Lily?

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Multiple. Plot lines. That is all. My computer was determined to make this a cliff-hanger ending but _I beat the system_. To a degree. They're staying above 450 words, slowly but surely they will be longer. Thanks to all of you who review/read! 


	10. Social Misconceptions and Misdemeanors

**Chapter Title:** Social Misconceptions and Misdemeanors  
**Disclaimer:** Own not?  
**Author's Apologies: **I AM SORRY. BLAME THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM. AND OVERPAID COMPUTER REPAIR MEN.  
**Und:** "I got ninety-nine comments but a flame ain' t one." Yes, I know those lyrics are wrong. BUT IT IS ONLY MY UTTER JOY THAT CAUSES ME TO MISQUOTE. THANK YOU FOR CAUSING IT.

* * *

Remus stared up at the sky in shock. Not a shock of a particular kind, such as awe or disgust for similar reasons; simply shock. Something, he decided, was very wrong. It might have been the hue, which was oddly dark for the time of the day. More likely it was the appearance of yet another not-so-secret admirer. 

"Do you like it, Remus?" Lily asked coquettishly from somewhere off to his left. _Lily_, his brain screeched. _Coquettish_. All too sadly for Remus, this was not an understatement. If this was an infatuated, and possibly intoxicated, Lily Evans, then Remus believed that James had reason to be locked an insane asylum. Along with Lily and a hefty dosing of Amortiena.

Remus slowly turned around like the victim in some poorly made muggle horror film and found himself contemplating the possibilities of one's face cracking under extreme circumstances. Like an egg. Had Remus been the sort to be easily distracted, this would have been the point where he mentioned that he was rather hungry. As it was, he was not.

Remus squeaked shrilly before deciding that speaking was not the wisest course of action. Nor was breathing, truth be told.

Why was his voice such a fickle character? Why couldn't it be his brain which _could not shut up_?

"Remus," the surprisingly vixen-esque Lily said in a husky voice.

"Do you have a cold?" Remus heard himself inquire politely, and he complimented himself on regaining control of his voice and debated the cost of sending it to the Ukraine.

"That what's so _attractive_ about you," Lily breathed, running her hand along his back. "You're so considerate-" she swept over his shoulder "-and caring-" brushed her fingers gently across his face "-and sweet-" and poked him on the nose.

Another familiar voice called out and Remus sighed tragically.

"Has someone been reading the thesaurus again?" Sirius yelled as he hurried toward them discreetly. "Do not worry, Remus, for I shall save you from this poorly spoken strumpet!"

Remus would have sighed again, but he figured that his daily allowance of sighs would be used up and Remus was not too keen on facing the consequences of that particular action.

Sirius came to a halt nearly a millimeter away from Remus' nose and spun on his heel to confront Evans, forcing her to move away from Remus.

He did not move for several moments.

"Whiplash," he growled through gritted teeth, and a sigh was definitely in order.

"Sod off, Black," Lily said politely.

"Oh, there's a foul mouth on that one," Sirius stage-whispered. Lily's eyes narrowed.

"Give someone else a chance why don't you?" She hissed.

Sirius put on an affronted air, but Lily quickly cut him off.

"No, you've had your time; now you have to step back and allow other more _compatible_ persons a chance for the prize." Lily stepped closer to Remus, shoulders brushing.

Remus froze. And then proceeded to babble.

"I'm-uh-wait, sorry, what?" Despite Remus' usually perceptive nature, some things slipped by him.

Sirius and Lily groaned, for once in agreement.

"You can't honestly expect anyone to believe that you're _that_ dense."

Remus coughed and Lily sighed.

"Remus," she said. "Darling, sweet thang… you're pretty much my definition of eye-candy. In fact, you're nearly _anyone_'s definition of eye-candy. What I mean is, though Black may have the bad-boy appearance and attitude, and Shacklebolt has a body like a _god_…"

Lily trailed off and Remus really wondered what she was getting at. Perhaps, though, it would be best to keep his sanity.


End file.
